Where should AngelQT spend her 32nd birthday?...

Saturday, October 18, 2014

To the mountaintop!

I do not even know where to begin. Recently I've been feeling a little limp. It's almost like I have on these brand new, ultra-grip sneakers, but can't get my grip as I'm climbing the mountain. It's like I know where I want to go, but between my emotional and physical state and lack of time I am unable to reach the top.

I started talking to a friend about it and she seemed to agree with me that counseling may actually just be the best thing for me right now. Interestingly enough, I got home that same evening and my boyfriend mentioned it too; Without me even saying a word he read me like an open book seeing that I am off. I have been saying since Zavier was born that I should go talk to someone to help me sort out my feelings and regain a sense of normalcy, but I must admit that even THAT idea makes me stressed wondering how I am going to fit one more thing into my schedule. Yet, [the counselor] would probably be able to help me figure that out, so...yeah.

I have a degree in counseling, so the idea of going to see one is not at all upsetting. In fact, I am welcoming the idea, because I am realizing that I am not myself and that everyone around me can see it. However, they remind me that the core of me is still there, and that I can climb that mountain. All I need is to understand how to place my feet. That takes re-training. That takes remembering how I did it before with some minor tweaks now that I am carrying some new cargo. Yes, I am still a climber, but I am one who is looking at a new method. And I am realizing that even the best of us need to regroup, reorganize and refocus. When we don't know how to do that, we ask for help. And THAT right there is what is going to get me to the top!

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Let's Get this Show on the Road!

I cannot believe that a few weeks without blogging have slipped away from me. Yet, when I look back over the last few weeks, it seems understandably so. The boys and I have been sick which has called for some extra attention to the baby and doctor's visits for him. Not to mention that he is teething :-/ That coupled with our work schedules that haven't been lining up in the traditional manner and have left us quite tired. Yes, blogging took a back seat.

But I have some time here before I take a little nap while daddy and son watch some football. Hehe. So what's been going on? Well, not much, really. Just been finding time to exercise which has me feeling MUCH better! When I don't make it to the gym, I work out at home even if for a few minutes each day. We are also starting a walking competition at work which should help me stay on track, and I will be doing step classes there before picking up the baby on Monday afternoons. More so, I want to start training to run a 5k in the spring, so I am about to get into the beat so that I can be beat! :-P

In other news...I talked to my boss for some advice on my professional life. She seemed to be advocating for me to make a work move to the high school level, to start getting more involved in other educational activities and endeavors and to get my AP Spanish teaching certification. She also seemed to like the idea of me getting a doctoral degree, but in Educational Leadership. And naturally, I found one that worked for me: inexpensive, offered by an accredited institution, offered completely online, and I can be done in 3 years (+ dissertation). Yep, I'm there! But I just have to figure out how to fund it, especially since my budget is out of control since I've moved in with my boyfriend. I don't know what the "Hello Kitty" I am doing, but something has to change or I will never get ahead. Now I'm back on Mint and Budget Simple trying to get on track before I lose it all. Time to make my finances a priority...

I've also been doing research for my business, and the next time my life provides for me to make a seminar or class, I will be doing so. The goals are there. Let's get this show on the road!

Friday, September 19, 2014

My So-Called Life

I find it ridiculous that recently my boyfriend has been saying that I don't have a life. Well, last time I checked I was just being a good mom which entails me cramming so much into a day that by the time I had time to have a life, I am too tired. Besides, finding time to do things outside of the house requires finding a sitter which is even more work. Not to mention that before I even had the baby, I wasn't really out and about on the regular. Sure, I traveled, but I was too broke to do it on a dime that wasn't someone else's and constantly without having to double check my check book before doing so.

However, he seems to think that if I did have this "so-called life" I would be more inclined to feel okay with him taking his annual trips to Vegas and to a 5 day music festival. Au contraire though,  because my disapproval or distaste has nothing to do with the trips themselves, but more around the fact that he even still wants to take such trips and leave his girlfriend at home with so much on her plate thanks to his frolicking around the country.

But, perhaps he does have a point somewhere in this ridiculousness of thought. And if I am honest, that is what may be bothering me. I don't have much of a life these days, and I continually feel guilty if I want to, even for the smallest of things. Finding the balance and being okay with being anything but a mom (and a teacher) have been a struggle. People, the struggle is real! Yet, I'm giving myself the time to fall into my new self by observing. Just as I stated in my goals post earlier today, I do still have dreams. I do still have things that I like to do and should do. But when I have him wanting to go above and beyond what I would ever dream of doing, I feel I need to overcompensate to be a better mom to Zavi. So, what do I really do?

I know that women the world over feel like this all of the time, especially as first time mothers. I'm cutting myself a break. I JUST started back to work. I'm still trying to fall into all of this and feel it out. And as much as I try to be the girlfriend who is considerate of a man who still wants to be a boy...okay, okay, sorry...the...man he was pre-baby (why I don't know, but I digress...) I will always have this underlying bone of contention that will never make it easy to absorb without issue. I tell him that he is able to make his own decisions and I have the right to feel as I feel and decide to do what I decide. He doesn't like that answer. Go figure.

Either way, I can do nothing more than what works for me. Call me lifeless if that's how you see it. I'm still living. Most importantly though, I am learning to evaluate how I handle the not-so-nice-aspects of what's coming at me. We shall see where in this "life" that I have (or don't have) have that leaves me. One thing's for sure though, I will live on in happiness. I'm calling it.

...As they used to.

"Still got dreams...they're not the same...They don't fly as high as they used to..."

Just as John Mayer released those words via his "Born and Raised" album, I began to identify with them. It continued on into my pregnancy and have found the idea invading my life as I continue on into motherhood.

Where have my dreams and goals gone?

Contrary to my own original belief, I really do LOVE being a mom! Zavier has given me more substance. And though I was goal setting before for just myself, I feel I have even more reason to set even higher goals with him looking up to me and needing my guidance and care.

Here's the thing: my dreams and goals haven't gone anywhere. They are definitely still there. I still want to live abroad in a Spanish-speaking country. I still want to buy and flip some property for college/graduate students. I still want to open my Moroccan cafe/Spanish tapas bar. I still want a PhD. I still want to be out of debt and well-off. Losing this baby weight needs to happen. Now I just want to involve my son in the process, making sure as I seek to achieve those goals I consider his needs first.

I attempted to talk to my boyfriend about these goals. It was difficult. The problem is that my goals don't line up with his- or lack thereof. When I asked him why he never really shared with me what he wanted to do in the future, he stated that of hanging out and having fun at music festivals and during his annual Vegas trips. Hmm...surface. Sitting pretty. Lack of depth and substance. Not so sure how I feel about that...though he did follow it up with being a good father for his son. That's respectable, though even that answer has not provided much definition to me of exactly what the goal looks like.

Hmm...

I got my paws on Steve Harvey's newest book just yesterday and have already clamored through 100 pages. I have read all of his books, but this one again focuses on the need for goals. As I have always known, having goals and setting ways to achieve them is what keeps a person growing. With out a clear vision, the people perish.

I'm still the same me. My vision is what it is. And just as I always have, once I paint that vision, I am going to see more clearly and want to create another. And it is why I think that some doors close and some windows open. My school district denied my request for reimbursement of the classes I wanted to take. Good- I need a PhD anyway. I am living in a small city with a child and a boyfriend. For some that would be stagnant water, me included. But there is a  big arts scene here. Great- I need a vibrant place to start my business. Plus, here I have financial support to get me out debt living here. I still have my job and will be able to take a sabbatical for travel in the coming years. My gym has daycare...

:-D 

There are blessings that abound. So my dreams, though they be the same take a different form. I'd like them to fly just as they used to if not higher.

Doing What Works

Now that I have gotten back into the “return to work” routine, it is time to find a routine that works for everything else. I have already given up on the “Month Without Spending” and my pre-printed graphic organizer. Instead, I have created and printed my own sheet that works for me and continued my continued my great couponing habits. ;-) Now time to observe and see how the new-new routine works out.


What I am having trouble with is establishing a concrete exercise routine. I am a gym member and am anticipating going on Saturday mornings. However, working an hour from gym and home and often with after school commitments, I am finding it difficult to get to the gym during the week. I really need to do something though because my weight has yet again plateaued even with diet modification which means that I need to exercise to get more off. My fitness plan suggests 2.5 hours of exercise per week to get down to my goal weight. I’m pretty sure that I could swing 1.5 hours at the gym, but need another exercise routine away from the facility that will get me that last hour in.


I have come across some online videos that might be beneficial as well as some toning routines. (Pinterest and YouTube are my best friends.)


My challenges are:
  • Lack of time post-work
  • Infant needing attention
  • Boyfriend hogging television
  • Lack of space in the house


But these things can all be combatted:
  • Gym on weekends & (forcing) one weeknight
  • Workout at home before bed, after baby is asleep
  • Use PC to view workout videos
  • Transform the 3rd floor space to make it conducive to exercising


It can be done! But I really need to plan- and execute- so that it happens.

Here’s to doing what works for ME! :-D

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Something of Substance

I have started a blog post several times now. Unfortunately and yet again I have no idea what to post about. This is not for lack of having things to say, but I feel that they are so deep and some so deeply personal that I cannot put them into words without my speech running over.

Others are so repetitive that I dare not speak again about how they are (or are not) going. And still some would just be rants and raves about things that are too mommy-specific or even too juvenile and trivial.

This is my life these days.

But one day, I will post something of substance again...something that I feel truly signifies me...something speaks to the person I am. I just need to figure that out in this new life, this new body, that are ever changing due to the so many things that have happened to me over the past 1.5 years. One day I will feel that I have a grasp on who I am again and write that post that takes me right to where I should be and not to where I am. After all, they can't be one in the same. And posting anything in that shady, gray area would be of little value to anyone.

In the meantime I am just going to keep living and and banking on the fact that kids don't go to college not sleeping through the night, that there are many GREAT working mothers, that many a couple have ended up on the correct side of their relationship, that starting something new wasn't impossible before, and that baby bellies get lost all of the time. Yes. These will be the things that keep me centered as I return to the surface of my life of substance.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

One. Step. At. A. Time.

I survived my first week back to work, and Zavi his first week with my friend watching him. We are on our way , though I still need to figure out how to get my exercise time in. One. Step. At. A. Time.